Game of Thrones: Sex and STD Edition

Let’s admit it, winter isn’t the only thing coming. Game of Thrones is all about the sex. That’s why we all watch it. Just kidding, we like complex plots, cool costumes, and attractive characters — also dragons. Here at STDcheck.com, it’s our job to talk to you about all things STD related, so we thought, how can we twist this so we’re talking about Game of Thrones, but you’re also learning about STDs?

We’re going to take you through the play-by-play of all the intimate little details of your favorite GoT characters’ love lives. If you’re looking for a recap of almost every single romantic or sexual relationship that has ever happened on the show, you’re in the right place. To make the process a little easier, we’ve created this handy-dandy chart which outlines every single important GoT relationship ever, including how they’re connected (whether via marriage, sex, hand stuff, or kissing).

GoT Characters at a High Risk of STDs

This part of the list is similar to Arya’s revenge list. All at risk and none aware. While yes, we know Game of Thrones isn’t exactly set in the real world, people seem to die of everything else so why not use sexually transmitted diseases as means for death? We’re sure at least one of these characters could’ve died from an STD-related cause. We decided to rate our opinions (highly educated opinions, if you ask us) of likelihood from zero to five. Five meaning very likely to have y’know: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, HPV, do we really need to go on?

Robert Baratheon – 5/5

Putting aside the fact that his wife, Cersei, was cheating on him with her twin brother, Jaime, Robert Baratheon the late ex-King of the Andals and of the First men, titles, titles, titles, etc., had plenty of chances to acquire an STD. As a king, the world was his oyster. At least Cersei was generally consistent with her sexual partners rather than brazenly cheating with multiple prostitutes at a time! He had 20 bastard children (that we know of), so it’s safe to assume he wasn’t using… uh… sheepskin to protect himself. Not to mention, it’s pretty symbolic that he died after being fatally wounded by a wild boar. While everyone else has their head chopped off, ding dong chopped off, or just a general something chopped off, this king has a different departure from life. After a lifetime of lust and gluttony; what would be more fitting for King Robert Baratheon than death by pig?

Cersei Lannister – 4/5

Remember how we all booped out of our minds after watching the first Game of Thrones episode with, “WHAT? NO! ISN’T THAT INCEST!!??” Such innocence we all once had. It isn’t the first time in television that a woman knows how to use her sexuality as a weapon, but Cersei’s style is a little different. She keeps it in the family. Like husband Robert, cousin Lancel, and twin brother Jaime—keep it in the family. We’re not judging, but we can tell you who is: The Light of the Seven. Remember when they marched her down the streets of Kings Landing for “adultery, incest, and regicide.”  

By the way, this “walk of atonement” was all Lancel’s fault. Remember, he gave King Robert Baratheon too much wine (in return for Cersei sleeping with him), which resulted in the king’s death, then the guilt was just all too much for him so he let the High Septon know and practically pinned it all on Cersei. But also, Lancel was pretty much a slave for his family whose sole purpose was to pour wine, so maybe he was getting back at them in a really intense way. Family, right? That being said, Cersei isn’t too much at risk for STDs since Lancel was likely a virgin, and she was pretty monogamous with Jamie throughout their relationship. Her only catch is that Robert Baratheon was pretty careless with his infidelity. While she and her husband didn’t have all that much sex with each other, thanks to his constant drunkenness, IT ONLY TAKES ONCE TO GET AN STD… OR PREGNANT!

Jaime Lannister – 3/5

To our knowledge, Jaime has always been faithful to his twin sister, Cersei. So while there’s merit in that (we think?) he is known as the Kingslayer, he regularly commits incest, murder, and deceit, but by the seventh season, he seems to be coming around. Having your hand chopped off really humbles you.

Still, since his sister has slept with a man of very loose morals, he is likely to have gotten an STD from his sister, who got it from his king… that he was sworn to protect. The more you think about it, the grosser it is.

Will Jaime add to the distribution of STDs in the Thrones’ world? Maybe. There’s an interesting amount of tension between Jaime and Brienne. And we can’t forget that Tormund, you know – the redheaded Wildling, makes it understood to everyone that he has the hots for Brienne. Although Tormund’s is called “Giantsbane,” to us it kind of just sounds like he is a giant pain in the you-know-what. Remember the scene with her and Jaime, naked while sitting together in a hot tub. In a remorseful, fiery monologue while holding up his arm with a brand new nub at the end of it, he confided in her the real reason he killed the mad king. He becomes so overwhelmed by this proclamation that he attempts to stand up but cripples down from the pain of his wounds. But, guess who caught this knight in his birthday suit? Brienne did. So, it sounds like Jaime… has the upper hand ?. #teamjaime

Tyrion Lannister – 5/5

Tyrion’s mother died when giving birth to him, so this is when older sister, Cersei, begins to blame him for anything and everything. He has a reputation for loving prostitutes, which his family alludes to multiple times throughout the show. His first lover and wife (at the age of 16) turned out to be a prostitute that his brother had hired to act as a maiden in distress. Then, after he had fallen in love with her, Tyrion’s father, Tywin, paid the prostitute to sleep with each of his guards while Tyrion watched as punishment. When we meet Tyrion in the first season, he’s much older and more pessimistic than the unsuspecting 16-year-old who married a prostitute by accident (though there wouldn’t be anything wrong with that if they’d talked more beforehand).

Anyways, he’s older and in a Winterfell “whorehouse” where he’s sleeping with Ros. Later in his travels, his friend, Bron, finds a new prostitute for him, named Shea. Shea is brought to Tyrion’s tent, and from that point forward, they are basically inseparable. Tyrion is called back to King’s Landing and brings Shae with him against his father’s will. He is very careful to keep her a secret, remembering the last prostitute that his father disapproved of.

Shea grows increasingly restless and is completely enraged with jealousy when Tyrion is forced to marry Sansa Stark. He insists that he only views her as a child, and there is no way out, but Shae does not believe him. Tyrion sends Shae away, but she is intercepted by his father, who ends up sleeping with her. Some things should not be shared between father and son.

This ultimately leads to Tyrion killing both his father and Shae, and is 10000% done and says, “See ya losers!” and joins Daenerys’ side. Okay, maybe not in those words and that easy, but you all know that’s essentially what happened.

Khal Drogo – 3/5

The Dothraki culture is generally known for its pillaging and raping of unsuspecting villages. Not great for preventing the spread of STDs. “Khal” meaning Dothraki warlord, makes Drogo a pretty important guy. For every battle loss, the Dothraki must cut his hair. Khal Drogo’s hair is very long, so you know what they say about long… oh, never mind. Understandably, he wants to have the most beautiful and exotic wife possible, which makes Daenerys Targaryen the perfect fit. There isn’t a lot of great communication between the two of them in the beginning, in fact, the only word that they seem to have in common is “no.” Their marital consummation is outrageously not consensual, but their love does grow with time. Khal Drogo’s death is ultimately caused by a battle wound that he left untreated for too long. Don’t ignore your symptoms people!

Daenerys Targaryen – 3/5

Dany started the show as a mere girl, getting molested by her older brother, and is now a fiery dragon, well respected and well feared. She’s traded to marry Khal Drogo, who we didn’t always think very nicely of, but people change. Her brother hires a prostitute to teach her how to “please a Khal” and it, in turn, helps her win over Khal Drogo’s affection and attention. Sex is an effective language… Especially if you don’t understand Dothraki.

She definitely learns some important lessons about communication and honesty, and while they never were lovers or touched sexually, Jorah Mormont and Dany had a special connection. Jorah failed to be open and honest, resulting in his banishment from her presence. Jorah’s “skin disease” really ended up ripping him apart. Talk about having symptoms!

After losing the love of her life and her deceased child’s father, Dany eventually meets another lover, Daario Naharis. It seems like these two are really in it for the long haul until Dany decides she needs to marry a man from a noble lineage and that he just won’t do ?. This man had an actor change after his first season but may we say it was the best decision in the end. Daario Naharis 2.0 is a raven-haired man with puppy dog eyes, not unlike Jon Snow, which we will discuss next.

Jon Snow – 2/5

For the first half of Thrones, this one was all whines and moans, and by the end of it… well, he still does a little but with much more purpose now. We know Jon was pure as well, snow – until he met the redhead wildling, Ygritte. Theirs is a story made for romcoms. Unlikely lovers from opposite sides of the wall. No one wants them to be together. Sound familiar? Still, once they do “the do”, Ygritte appears pleasantly surprised at ex-virgin, you-know-nothing Jon Snow! After their steamy session in a cave, Ygritte asks, “That thing you did with your mouth…is that what lords do to their ladies in the south?” We’re sure anyone attracted to Kit Harington had a moment right there. Clearly, the Wildlings never go down on their women, so, that’s a disappointment, but Jon Snow got serious points because he basically invented oral sex for women north of the Wall. Not to be a fun sucker, but we’re about to suck the fun out of oral sex. You can get things like herpes, chlamydia, and gonorrhea in the mouth/throat if the person receiving has any of those STDs. How lovely!

Then we have Daenerys. Some fans are ecstatic to see Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen get it on, some aren’t! We have a divided office here at STDcheck.com, but regardless, the two are cousins and both are very viable candidates for the throne. Jon did “bend the knee” (in more ways than one), so it’s unlikely that he’d take the throne from Dany, but it wouldn’t be the first time he betrays a lover.

We’re assuming that north of the Wall there weren’t as many STDs circulating due to the lack of brothels and generally unpleasant conditions for sex. That being said it’s still possible for Jon to get something from Ygritte or Dany.

Everyone wants a Stark in the streets and a Wildling in the sheets. 😉

Sansa Stark – 3/5

Many would be hardpressed to find someone with a worse love life than Sansa. Betrothed to Joffrey, married to Tyrion, molested by Petyr Baelish, and married to Ramsay Bolton who raped her on their wedding night. But we know this, what we didn’t know, is that if Sansa had slept with both Petry Baelish and Tyrion, she would’ve had the most STDs out of anyone. She is the biggest connection in the entire list. Just take a look at the chart! It’s pretty crazy! Ramsay sucks dragon balls, but at least she didn’t sleep with the other three men that she’s connected to. Sansa was never taken seriously until the latest season. Like every well-told story, the characters in Game of Thrones have character development. Sansa did have a tough life but imagine how different it might’ve been if she didn’t beg her father Eddard Stark to let her marry Joffrey since she’s, “never wanted anything so bad in [her] life!” It always makes us cringe to think of what a horrible mistake that was.

Ramsay Bolton – 5/5

Let’s start with the fact that Ramsay was born out of rape. Born a bastard into a family that enjoys torture far too much, Ramsay turns out to perhaps be the worst of them all. Or best? We don’t know since the Bolton’s banner literally has a flayed man on it, so it seems to like torturing is a good thing in their… culture.

Ramsay has four “girlfriends,” Myranda, Violet, Kyra, and Tansy. He uses his girlfriends to seduce and pleasure his captive, Theon and at the same moment, has Theon’s manhood cut off. Though Ramsay is intimate with several girls, he seems to have a particular soft spot for Myranda who he promised to wed before his father elevated him from his bastard status. Myranda is extremely jealous (and sadistic), which is the main reason that she and Ramsay hunt Tansy through the woods and kill her because she had “become a problem.” There’s a lesson there right? Don’t date jealous people? Or make sure everyone involved is comfortable if you’re going for a polyamorous thing?  

Anyways, Sansa comes along and is married off to Ramsay in order to secure the Bolton’s hold of the North, and he rapes her on their wedding night while forcing Theon to watch. In Ramsay’s end, Sansa locks him in the kennels with his own dogs (which he starves on purpose) and they proceed to feed on Ramsay alive. Happy wife, happy life?

Theon Greyjoy – 5/5

Ayyee, another eunuch! We tend to feel somewhat sorry for this guy after all that Ramsay Bolton did to him, but at the same time he really screwed over the Starks. We doubt Theon Greyjoy is anyone’s favorite, and not even Ros, the main prostitute we see, preferred him over Tyrion. He definitely liked her hoo-hah, that’s evident when he wistfully watches her bounce away on the vegetable cart headed for King’s Landing, throwing her a coin in exchange for one last peek.

That said, he obviously wasn’t super sad about it, as he had another prostitute with bad teeth in a ship on his way back to his father. He asks her to keep her mouth closed while they are intimate, so that he doesn’t have to look at them. As if he’s one to talk about hygiene! We don’t really remember a single scene where this guy has clean hair, face, clothes, or anything. He just always had a general greasy feel about him. He’s just so creepy! There’s no ifs or buts about it.

Speaking of butts, he and his sister Yara played a little patty cake with their hands… Sexually. He fingered her everyone, let’s just say it, and stop beating around the bush. Theon slept with anything that moved, didn’t ask names, or like, “hey person from my hometown that is very set on escorting me to my father, who are you?” But nope. Instead, he just sticks his hand down her pants while they are literally on a horse on their way to see THEIR dad. Blegh.

Petyr Baelish – 5/5

The dude literally owns a brothel. He’s essentially a pimp — especially when he marries off poor Sansa to Ramsay Bolton. Petyr Baelish has been a creep since the dawn of time. He’s got a weird thing for all of the Stark women. He was in love with Catelyn from the time that they were children, which we guess is fine but also… get over it dude! Then at the same time Catelyn’s sister, Lysa, was in love with him. Catelyn’s husband, Eddard Stark seems suspicious that Lord Baelish may still have feelings for her, but Baelish basically gets him killed. Petyr’s soft spot for Catelyn transfers to Sansa and, as she grows older, he is a constant whisper in her ear, guiding her in the slightly wrong direction. At one point he even kisses Sansa, which is super inappropriate, and not too long before that happened he uses Lysa’s love to manipulate her. Which made everyone watching uncomfortable.

We basically just hate this guy and wouldn’t doubt that he has a bunch of STDs. Not necessarily because he owns a brothel, or because he is a terrible person, but… just because.

Melisandre – 0/5

Also known as “The Red Woman,” which is fitting because she is one red hot lady that uses her womanly wiles to survive and move forward throughout the Game of Thrones. This witch or priestess, depending on who you ask, is like literally 402 years old, but also magical, so, we’re not really sure that STDs are applicable to Melisandre. Probably just think twice before sleeping with her because she may be manipulating you into impregnating her and will later give birth to a shadow demon baby whose sole purpose is to kill your brother. Talk about mixed signals.  It’s really important to talk with your partner about any expectations that either of you may have, before engaging in sexual activity. You know, it may literally suck the life out of you if you don’t – we’re looking at you Gendry.

Ellaria Sand – 2/5

Ellaria doesn’t exactly fit in any category as she is the paramour of Prince Oberyn Martell of Dorne. In Dorne, a paramour just means that you are openly a non-married lover to someone of nobility. Many marriages are arranged for political reasons, but the people of Dorne do not believe in hiding the person that you are with for pleasure, so a paramour is treated with respect and seen as a person of high status. Sand is the last name of all bastards in Dorne. Her and Oberyn have four daughters together, while Oberyn has four more, all eight together are referred to as the Sand Snakes.

Both Ellaria and Oberyn are attracted to men and women, and they are open to sharing their enjoyment of both sexes together. When we are introduced to this polyamorous couple, they are hanging out at Littlefinger’s brothel when Oberyn asks which prostitute she would prefer, Ellaria states that she does not want a “timid one.” In the couple’s second trip to the Westeros brothel, Oberyn is extremely offended when a male prostitute, Olyvar, admits that he has not yet acquired a taste for women. Ellaria is not phased and comforts Oberyn with the knowledge that he can have Olyvar to himself. Ellaria and Oberyn love and trust each other completely, which is why when Oberyn is killed in a duel, Ellaria is driven mad with the need for revenge.

The Monogamous Relationships Of GoT

There aren’t many truly long-term relationships in GoT, but then again, there aren’t really all too many long-term lives either. While it’s totally possible to catch an STD while in a monogamous relationship, it does greatly reduce your risk. When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die, so why take any chances? We’ve compiled a (small) list of monogamous couples who chose to sleep with just each other whether for political reasons or for love.

Ned Stark and Catelyn Stark

We all know that Catelyn Stark suspected Ned of cheating, as she assumed Jon Snow was his bastard son. She probably should have had a more in-depth conversation with Ned about all that, to alleviate any fears. As it turns out, he was on the straight and narrow all along. Ned took till death do we part quite literally, as he denied Robert Baratheon’s suggestions of infidelity just weeks before his death. We would like to take this moment to point out the emotional toll that was placed on Catelyn due to this simple misunderstanding. Emotional stress can often be just as damaging as a physical disease, which is why we again want to emphasize the fact that these two should have probably discussed any insecurities. As for what may have happened before Ned married Catelyn, it’s like Vegas. What happened at war stays at war.

Robb Stark and Talisa Maegyr

Their marriage was short, but they were undeniably monogamous! Just a quick recap, these two love birds met at war. He, a betrothed king, her a hot nurse. They married for love (and obvious attraction), leading Rob to break off his boring, strategic engagement, causing his ex-fiance’s father, Lord Walder Frey, to take revenge and kill everyone at what is now known as The Red Wedding. So ya, probably no sexually transmitted diseases here, but lots of death due to spontaneous passion. Keep that in mind kids.

Margaery Tyrell and Tommen Lannister

Again, another short-lived marriage, that was totally monogamous. These two were basically babies, Margaery clocking in at about 21 years old and Tommen at the ripe, sweet age of 14. The marriage was purely a political move, but it was still consumated pretty quickly. While we’re here talking about safe sex, it feels pertinent to point out that things would’ve been different for them if they weren’t so wildly out of each other’s age ranges. Margaery and Tommen seemed to get along pretty well, so it all worked out for them, except for the fact that they both died. Again a huge problem with communication in this whole family. It was basically Cersei’s fault that Margaery, her daughter-in-law, died thus causing Tommen to fling himself out a window. Ah, puppy love. Talk about your relationships people!

Samwell Tarly and Gilly

Gilly did name her son Sam, after Samwell, but he is not the biological father. In fact, Gilly’s father is the biological father. He slept with his daughters to produce more daughters and he would leave his sons in the woods to die, death a la white walker. So maybe there aren’t and STDs circulating since they were strictly only allowed to have sex with their father. Luckily Samwell, Gilly, and baby Sam all escaped with their lives. From henceforth, it looks as though Samwell and Gilly are monogamously together for good.

Missandei and Grey Worm

These two love birds have only had eyes for each other from the get-go. Grey Worm is an Unsullied, which basically means that he’s a eunuch, warrior slave, and has recently been freed by Daenerys. The unsullied are made into eunuchs in order to avoid any kind of sexual distraction from the orders they are given. When Missandei and Grey Worm first begin talking, she is curious about what is going on down below. She is confused that he seems attracted to her, and she and Daenerys even ponder whether “when a slave is castrated, the masters take both the “pillar” and the “stones.” Eventually, these two finally do have a sexual encounter after learning that Grey Worm will lead an attack on Casterly Rock. He goes down on her and it’s super hot, but we don’t really know what happened after that. They had a pretty good back and forth about what they were comfortable with beforehand, so we feel good about it.

Honorable mentions: The Virgins of GoT

As you can see, our list of virgins is very short, because this show is all about sex. Some of the virgins are just jerks and everyone hates them, some are eunich’s and some are a little too obsessed with avenging the death of their family *ahem* Arya.

Joffrey Baratheon

The first virgin on this list doesn’t seem to care much for sex. It’s been rumored that he’s asexual, however, he does seem to be sexually aroused on some level when inflicting pain on others.

Most notably, Joffrey has Sansa beaten naked in the throne room, and he delivers his infamous line, “Leave her face; I like her pretty.”

Then there was the time that he made Sansa kiss his sword which was at an *ahem* opportune angle. Don’t make us go into a whole spiel on phallic symbolism people.

There was also the time that he had Ros penetrate Daisy with a scepter. Later he penetrates Ross multiple times with his crossbow. This gruesome scene which ultimately portrays Ros as dead seems to have the arrows aimed from some interesting angles… if you catch our drift.

So yeah, a not so sexual virgin who turns out to be more sadistic. Nothing we didn’t know about Joffrey. He might not be so likely to get an STD, but poison on the other hand…

Arya Stark

Arya, one of our favorites. Maybe even more interested in murder than Joffrey, but we think her motives are more justifiable: Revenge for her dead family members. When the show begins, she’s just 11 years old, and in season 7, she’s 17 years old. While most teenage girls spend quite a bit of time dreaming about their crush (we’re looking at you, Sansa), Arya’s seen a lot and is betrayed on numerous occasions. She’s super smart and she trusts very few, which is probably one of the reasons she’s still alive. Arya just doesn’t have time for a boyfriend! We hope she finds love eventually, but she’s got bigger things on her plate for now, like killing everyone on her list.

Varys

Varys is pretty decidedly asexual. His famous line, “When I see what desire does to people, what it’s done to this country, I am very glad to have no part in it,” pretty much proves our point.

There’s a common misconception that eunuchs innately cannot feel any sexual desire, which is false! Lord Varys is asexual because that’s who he is, not because of something that happened to him when he was young.

Brienne of Tarth

Brienne always strives to be honorable, and she was in Renly Baratheon’s kingsguard, which we all know that the kingsguard are expected to remain celibate.

Despite some original beliefs that Brienne had the hots for the ladies, she does seem drawn to men, though celibate for now. There is much hope for Brienne’s love life in the upcoming season. Perhaps a love triangle with Jamie and Tormund? Probably too cliche for Game of Thrones, but we can always hope.

Brandon Stark

We literally almost even forgot to include this guy in our list. That’s how non-existent his sex life is. Poor Bran.

In Conclusion, Get Tested

If you’ve made it this far, you either really like Game of Thrones, or you have a weird way of learning about STDs. If you related to literally any of the behavior in this blog post, we advise you to get tested immediately, unless you’re a virgin or you’ve recently hatched dragon eggs, then you’re fine.