My HIV Story: Positive in a Negative World

While trying to find love, I yet again discovered this man had no capacity for it – not even for himself. I asked… “Why are things missing from my apartment?” I thought I knew. He accused me of nagging, complaining, and not trusting, That night, I saw it for myself; he stole and left. I confronted him, and he looked strangely trapped. I thought it was another woman, but it was so much more… heroine. I shouted at him to get out! We had a child and wasn’t going to accept him bringing all of that into my home.

I walked through that dark point in my life unaware it was about to darken even more. Forward to 1998, and I’m married to another man. Once again, I made a lousy judge of character and found that he was manic depressive. I tried to leave him and run for my life quietly, but during this time, I miscarried. That was when the doctors gave me the news. You’re HIV+… My world stopped turning. For loving the wrong person, I had this sentence handed to me.

My horror turned into fear because I had to tell my husband this and that I was leaving him. He didn’t take the news well, saying he couldn’t believe it, and left angrily, disappearing for weeks. I just figured he’d leaped out of his mind again. When he finally came back, he said he wouldn’t ever leave me again, but then he did and came back a week later. My bouts with depression began that day. I woke up being hit, hearing him cursing and shouting about me breaking into his house. He then raped me and left. I laid there not being able to cry. I simply wanted someone to hug me… I felt thrown away and dead inside. My child and I prepared to leave the house because I couldn’t afford to stay there.

Friends betrayed me constantly; money was taken from me, often leaving y son and me homeless. I was weak and sick all the time. It’s now 2000, and I’m now preparing my son to be without me one day, as I’m trying to gather myself and deal with our life. My clinic told me I’m pregnant. Before I knew I had HIV, I had a son born from when I acquired it. Then I had a daughter born through it. Yet, neither of them carry the virus. Because they don’t, it’s hard for them to think of me carrying the virus. It has been a challenge every day to live this life. Constant appointments, silent loneliness, the pain of the stigmas attached to the virus, not being able to trust anyone with the truth, knowing that love is no longer an option, dreading people finding out and condemning my children, battling depression, and so much more.

I’d love for HIV negative people to show kindness and consideration because this deadly to us, not them. Their sniffles can give us the flu or worse. Being around smokers makes it hard for me to breathe, and I’m often running to find air to breathe. I must always watch what I eat because of specific ailments I’m prone to due to my weakened immune system. I wish I could say how much it hurts to hear people berating others that are HIV+ because negative people seem to think everybody that has HIV are drug users, gay, or both. Many of us were victimized and are continually being victimized by naysayers, scornful people, and negative perceptions from the media.

We are people too. I chose love, and it abused me. Others had transfusions, and others were burned by evil people seeking to inflict damage just because they were damaged. So what I’d ask is for compassion before judgement. We already have demons to live with, and don’t need anymore. My life is forever changed and believe me; I wouldn’t have chosen this battle to fight. Would you?